Painful Monday followed by 'a bad fall from Heavens" Tuesday

First Monday of 2008 kicked off with a bad stomachache. It was so bad that I was struggling to stay conscious. The pain was unbearable and I could feel all the blood concentrated at my stomach. I felt cold and I knew I looked pale. If I don't get to the toilet fast, I will probably faint at the taxi stand at Paya Lebar MRT station.

But the nearest toilet was so far away... I won't make it there especially when the morning crowd was a mad rushing herd of men and women. I turned to look for Victor. Luckily he was there! I must look really ugly because he got worried and asked me if I am alright. Although quite nerdy, he accompanied me like a gentleman to the toilet even though the staff bus came at the exact moment we left the taxi stand.

Now I knew what they meant by "the face as pale as a sheet of paper", I was that bad.

By the time we got to work, (cab fare was $21.20!!! - cannot claim) I was all weak and limp. No strength at all, plus stomach still felt hollow.

The first email I saw: a accusation email from SL to tell me to not try to act smart and should always check with her first before I sent email to overseas partners. Too weak to think, I simply forwarded the email to CL and added one sentence "Got shot" by SL again...

The next thing I know, CL stormed out of his room and starting cursing SL's department for attempting to complicate things. Limp, I just listened to him obediently and waited for his final verdict "we won't use the OUUK material". I thought, whatever you say... Then he channelled the email back and said I was merely acting on his demand and he had a different discussion and agreement with the OUUK people when he was in UK last November. I was glad that I had a shield although the sword had done its harm.

I slowly regained my energy and after lunch, I was feeling all chirpy again. I went to ask CL about the ASUS eee PC. I told him that L and GT will be attending my course and hence getting the PC free. ShL and myself won't be able to attend the course because there would be no one to cover duty. I asked him if I could get the PC and he said he will give it to me!! WOW, he remembered the promise he made... I got so high, I asked him at least 4x if he was joking and I even volunteered to record down what he said. Haha. He said I just had to find out how he could make the payment, he will write the cheque and I will get my PC. Yeah! But, he said if he is giving me one, it means he has to give another person one too. Of course, ShL will say yes right?? Wa, a $500 sleek laptop, even if I am not going to use it, I can always encash it lor!

However GT changed her mind about going to the course, so myself and ShL got the free PC, GT should get one from CL too right? I asked him but he replied with a fat NO. I was stunned. HUh??! He said he treats the PC like a gift to us for our good performance and he knows who is performing and who isn't... Simple English, he was trying to say GT had not been performing... Me, ShL and L decided not to tell GT about it lest she got upset... And so, my first Monday of 2008 ended on a high note, dreaming and looking forward to receive my ASUS eee PC.
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First Tuesday morning of 2008 started with another email from Z, ally of SL. CL's mood was still unpredictable but I did not get the chance to talk to him at all the whole morning. The day was totally destroyed after lunch when he finally came back to his room and had the time to read the tens of emails in the inbox. He came out and asked me if I had seen Z's email and I replied with a simple "Ya." The rest of the next five min was the point when the lightning struck me.

CL "blew" up and said that Z and SL are going to set up a Graduate Studies Department which will be taking over ALL the work that I had started and going to recruit their own people to do the rest of the setup work. He walked into Chay's room and I was feeling like a total stranger for the first time. CL was really mad and upset that Z and SL had brushed my efforts aside. He said he had spoken to Provost and he was told to submit a proposal together with Chay to inform the Acad Board of the need for the School to handle our own postgraduate programmes and workshops. To my astonishment, CL said Z had gone under table and together with Z's boss, they had decided to set up that dumb Graduate Studies Department which SL will head!

Tell me how interesting private university works! "Great job" here. SL, I "love" you so much!

In simple English, this means that all the hard work I had put in for the past 6 months will be handed over to SL when her department got filled up. I will be like the transition middle person...

For six months, I had really enjoyed doing what I was doing here. For six months, I felt ownership of what will materialise in July 2008. Now, everything will be taken away from me. What's left? I don't know..

I jokingly told CL and Chay that they don't like me, so they are taking everything away from me.. I should go and find another job. What a dry self-mockery joke. Can you feel the slow descend from Heavens to Disappointment?

CL looked at me and firmed said, "It is not your fault, you are not wrong and you did not do anything wrong. It has nothing to do with you."

Chay asked, "Then SL will take Pau Ling into her department?"

"NO, over my dead body. She is not going anywhere. If she goes, all the three of us go together and look for jobs somewhere else." CL said with a conviction.

Shocked was too mild to use. In fact, he had overly-flattered me. He turned and said,"Aren't you touched? You go, we go together with you!" The hat was too big for me... please, give me a smaller one..

And then he stormed off for the meeting with President, telling Chay before he left that he is going to look for Provost after the meeting to give him some shelling...

Hello, Provost is your boss leh...

I should feel touched but I don't. In fact, despair had transformed into disappointment and very soon, it will turn into resignation to fate. I really loved what I am doing now, don't snatch it away from me. Who will hear me? No one. Can CL and Chay win the case? I doubt it. Not because they won't fight for it but rather the university is too rigid to welcome new changes. I had willingly spent my nights and sometimes Saturdays clearing up the work and tying the loose ends. I did all the setup, networking, connections. What has Z and SL done? Nothing, except to sit in offices, attend stupid meetings with stupid staff to do things that were obsolete. Who goes out to build bridges to make the School and university look more visible? US. Who are they to claim the credits and make proposed plans to support and continue the initiative? What do they know? They only know what is B&W? Emails tell me to do this, I execute it. Did they use brains? No, they only know how to pool people together to have meeting to put out the "fire" their own departments create. In the end, still have to call me to confirm. Why can't they call the Dean and Head of Programmes themselves? They are scared. If scared, then don't do it in the first place! Why make me feel like a disposable link?

Damn, I feel so lousy.