What can You and I do?

I just came back from watching Avatar.

I walked into the theatre with many wonders why so many people rated this movie with full stars, why everyone's aftermath comment is "This is the best show I have watched in my entire life"... I walked inside there with only one thought - I want to know why movie critcs said this movie marks the turn for 3D movies (of course for the better) and what charms does this movie possessed.

My afterthoughts for the movie?

I wouldn't say that this is the best movie I had showed but it is ranked one of the most thought-provoking movies. It left me wonder what exactly can you and I, common people, do to save the earth?

What is James Cameron trying to tell us through Avatar?

It is not that we do not know that global warming is real, not that we do not know that the giant pandas are facing extinction because of the loss of their natural habitats, not that we do not know that more icebergs are found floating nearer to our land and further away from where they should rightfully be, not that we do not see and feel that the natural disasters are getting from bad to worse, getting more and more deadly...

I once told my students that I did not have an air-conditioner at home. The reply I got: Miss Tan, you do not belong to this era. Sad.

I saw another post on Facebook the other day, the post reads something like this: No air-con? Kill me! Sadder.

I seriously thought education is supposed to make us wiser.

Am I getting too old and disconnected with the world that it made me realised just how short-sighted some of us are? Or, just how comfortable some of us are that we are only concerned with things which impact us the most?

Just what exactly can we do if you love Avatar so much and that it made you recall that "Hey, we are all part of Mother Nature"? Will you still remember this movie and the message behind the movie after the theatres take this down?

And yeah, if you realised I typed "did" for the air-conditioner, we have joined the cult of owning one at home. To defend myself, I think I can live without the air-conditioner since I had been living without one for the past almost 30 years. I had afterall, turned on the air-conditioner less than 20 times in my new home of 1 year and I had it on at 25degC. Am I less sinful than those who turned the air-con on every other night for 2 hours to cool the room down and switched it off for the rest of the night?

I am still keeping my little recycling project of throwing the empty plastic and glass bottles into the recycle bins, my mother is doing that now too! I am saving the used papers for the bins too.

I had switched to carrying one recycle bag in my bag always, of course, one is very often not enough, I still use plastics bags... At least I try my best..

Are these efforts enough, at the micro level?

Not sure, but at least I am doing my part.

Come to think about it, I like to throw things away, is this sinful too? Maybe if there is less impulsive buying in the first place, I don't have to throw them away and waste resources. It all adds up, at the end of the day.

As an ex-physics teacher, I remembered that I taught this: Energy cannot be destroyed nor created, but converted from one form to another. I just hope that this hidden energy that we have thrown to our backyard (because it is out of sight, out of mind) and the uncounted amount of natural resources which we dig up to satisfy our need for continued growth, whether in developed or developing countries, will not end up as a backlash to eliminate our race and ends our time on this beautiful planet.

We have come so far as we progressed as a race - Internet, air-conditioner, motor vehicles are things we can't live without anymore, there is definitely no turning back to savage the damage we had done to our environment. Slow down? Perhaps... if there is enough time and if many of single individual starts to think deeply at how interlinked all of us are to nature. You may not feel or see it, because we are so sufficiently provided. Think harder, we form part of the chain, teacher taught us in primary school.

Impractical and not realistic? Maybe.

At least I am doing my tiny little part to do what I can to save the earth from my point of view.

So what can all of us do to save our land?

I guess it is all up to each of us to think and decide.

All actions have consequences.

A simple song with a simple lyrics and yet how easy it can make a heart cry all over again

An emotional 20+++ year old, yes I am. I couldn't help hanging on to this song by Air Supply. When I heard it on Class95 last night, the heart suddenly got swollen and ached with an unknown sense of longing and long lost pain.

Pictures of a love-torn couple came to mind, no particular people in mind, but the pain stood there. I stopped in awe of how magical words and music can be, stringed together in a particular manner and it will remain in the hearts of many. Whether you are listening to the song as a first person or a third party, words of less than 100 can so effortlessly paint a thousand pictures for this song.

It made me pause and recount how fortunate I am that I am surrounded by love, that 'Goodbye' is simply a friendly gesture of bidding a friend farewell, knowing that I will see him/her again really soon.

Suddenly, the 'Goodbye' which I got from him six years ago did not tear apart a well-dressed wound. What was left behind is a numbed feeling. He was my first love, beautiful but gone wrong. We parted and went on separate ways, is he happier now? I am not sure, but I hope he is because I know I found someone whom I am comfortable to spend the rest of my life with. He would always be a part of me, tucked deep in the private section of my past.

Dear Bubu, till we meet again, I want you to know that I am happy and I hope you are too in whatever you do. Thank you for being so cruel six years ago, I see now that we wouldn't have worked out in the end. Goodbye.

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I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I simpathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong
You would never ask me why

My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye
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I believe

Lazy Saturday... but I liked it.

I cleaned my room today and I was so happy with myself :)

The hifi-system was finally wired up and singing Class 95 happily and yup, all my papers and bills were packed neatly into their files.

I saw Pak Kay's postcards and love notes for me when we were still younger back in 2003. Ha! And, I cried reading those notes. Funny how easy it was to forget the sweet memories we had and to dwell on the maddening incidents which occasionally sprang up.

When we started dating, he was in Birmingham UK doing his NUS student exchange programme while I was studying for exams here. We were separated by 12 hours, when it was my studying time, it was his sleeping time... we smsed each other when we woke up in the morning, when we went to sleep, wishing every moment that he would be back in Singapore asap! We even arranged for his date of arrival to be on our first month anniversary. But it was changed at the last minute...

I would look up into the sky and tell him to look out for the moon 12 hours later because it was too beautiful. Funny, but we were looking at the same moon but separated by thousand of miles.

We would go online to chat with each other before we went out to study or went to bed. For him, I would sacrifice my sleep so that I could start my day feeling loved and end my day feeling wanted too. 12 hours away, he in Birmingham will do the same too.

Once, I had a bad nightmare and woke up in the middle of the night. I smsed him and the next thing I knew, he called me to ask me if I was ok. Ah! I almost melted in my bed.......

We counted 1, 2 and 3, closed eyes, hands on the keyboard and started playing the Winter Sonata song so that for that few minutes or so, we were doing the same thing together although we were not physically. The feeling was magical. It might look funny but I really felt as if he was there with me...

Then he sent flowers to me on our first month anniversary. It was raining that day and I was looking out for the deliveryman. The roses were so beautiful.....

There were also postcards to look out for when he went away for touring around Europe after his exam. I cleared the mailbox personally each other and every other hour, I would check for sms. I would wonder what he was doing, if he was safe driving and when he would be sending me messages... I told him he had to send me two messages a day so that I can be sure that he was all safe because there was no way he could come online to chat with me.

Then, before he came back, I went to Changi Terminal One to check out where he would come out from the airport. Rehearsing where I should stand so that I could see him first thing when he came out. I did not go to Airport once for rehearsal, I went back thrice. And every time I imagined how the day he came back to me would turned out, I had to force myself not to giggle out. Because I was alone and everyone else around would think that I was a lunatic laughing to myself. But hey, they won't understand how happy I was.........

He said he loved me and we would celebrate many many more anniversaries together. He said our story would be beautiful and long........

I believe him and I still do.

For Yiru, Iris, Yihui, Elaine, Teeli, Desmond and Pal

Really, if not because I saw the blog message, I would have headed straight towards facebook to upload my Greece photos.

So, yup, not bad, I still have a very few visitors to my blog, but never mind, as long as there is someone, I would do it for you. Who else wants dedication? Haha :)

Anyway, updates or Ms Tan's stories? How about updates but where shall I start before I start to bore you?

Year 2008 ended with many uncertainties, and yes, year 2009 started with the same boredom and resistance. Work is not something which I looked forward to anymore, and so I started to dream... not really dream, I started to do something to my new year resolutions.

License, not really yet. I tried to go for one lesson but ended cancelling it. Why? Because the instructor's was stationed in the East, to be more specific, in Ubi/Eunos. I thought it was alright to take train to Eunos and just go for 1.5 hour of lesson and head home... but Pak Kay and other friends reminded me that the journey itself would demotivate me because it was really very far!!! So, to save myself the trouble of training bus to MRT station, then from Lakeside to Eunos (worse, take bus to Ubi driving centre), I thought I would try to hide for an instructor in the West. I am barely two months at the new address, and since for the past almost 30 years I was in the East, I am really lost when it comes to finding someone to teach a clumsy girl.

And, I had started writing something!!! Muhahahaha! I started off on the new itouch before I go to bed when I remembered. Stuck. Because, I don't know what I want to write about. Guess I am trained to think of the unique selling point, and I had not have a theme in mind yet. No storyboard, just the name of the female lead. I had a few paragraphs of something and it was really not easy to be a writer. Just how did they spin things out from the air? Of course, romance stories are more or less the same, male lead is handsome, aloof, rich, proud, charimastic and smart, female lead is pretty, witty, sensitive, emotional, sensual, protective and the female always end up bringing out the best in the male. Detective stories... hard to write anything, because I do not follow news and Crime Watch, how to write something when I couldn't imagine a murder scene??! Sigh, so still stuck with no storyboard... think out of the box, think out of the box!!!

O! I just started my first Japanese class tonight!!!! Hehe... wa, I am very stressed because I am really learning too slow :( Pak Kay, A-mei (my cousin) and Huat (my cousin-in-law) signed up for the Beginner 1 course too. Pak Kay has phD (YEAH! He finally passed and is done with phD... I wonder when I can be Mrs Dr Tang... mmm...), A-mei has a 2nd class honours, Huat has a Master... all of them had such good track records, and I was just a Pass with Merit :( sigh... then during the class, they caught on faster too, they were on par with the sensei when we practised writing the Kirigana and I only had time to copy down the pronounication and I had so many blanks! Low morale.. I really have to work harder... Watashi wa work harder desu. Hahahahaha.

As for the travelling around the world part, I guess I will just have to enjoy the moments of uploading my Greece photos onto Facebook for the time being. I am so tempted to join Sharon and the girls for the trip to Japan in April but... I guess, let's save the money.

Hehe, I think I love Pak Kay a little more each day :p

So mushy...

But I like... Haha...

We talked about us, FINALLY, after being together for almost six years now. Not that I am looking forward to getting married, but at least, I got him talking about his plans and I told him my plans too.

"I want to talk to you." I said one night when he was at my place.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked.

"How old am I now?" I asked innocently.

"30," he said in a flat tone, paying attention to Baby and Maomao (both softtoys) than to me.

"Huh? How old am I?" I thought the politically correct answer should be 29 although I just turned 28 like less than 3 months ago..

"30!" he repeated. Damn! Ok, never mind, some people are supertitous when it comes to those ages near the end of the decade.

"How old are you?" I asked, changing topic.

"30."

"If you had a chance to go overseas to study, and I said I won't be going with you, will you still go?"

"Huh.. maybe lor... dunno, see first."

"What if I say I would go with you?"

"Is it? Then we go lor!!" he said excitedly.

"So, if you are 30 now, after your bond, you will be 32 and I will be 31. If you still have to do two years of MBA, by the time you finished with MBA, you will be 34 and me 33. Are you going to marry me?" I asked, slowly pulling him into my trap...

"Ya la!" he replied, still playing with the toys.

"When are you going to marry me then?"

"This year lor," he replied shyly.

"Do you have intention to have the wedding dinner? You can't get married as and when you want and expect there to be a hotel available for the dinner." I argued irritated.

"ROM this year then dinner next year lor!"

Gotcha! :p

"Then when are we going to have babies?"

"When you are 31 or so lor."

"So, you have no intention to save two person's time after marrying???" I want to faint...

"Then babies when you are 32 or 33 lor." O no, I am going to be a old mummy :(

"Ok.. then if you are going to study MBA overseas, who will take care of the baby?"

"You!"

"Idiot! I don't have to work is it?"

"Then I take care lor."

"You don't have to study hor?"

"Aiya, then we take turns lor!" As if things are so simple....

"So, when are you going to propose to me????!" I probed. Haha.

"How can you be so thick-skinned?" he was half shocked and half shy.

"It is not the first time that I asked you this question."

.......

That conversation had kept me happy for a long time... still happy... :D

We are doing more things together now. We are planning to go exercise together, maybe sign up for a gym package but how come they are all located in or near town? I have to take almost an hour to reach home :( no motivation... we are also taking Japanese together.... we have dinner together more often now too, because Mummy has to work, I can't cook for nuts, hence no dinner at home. So although Pak Kay's mother's cooking style isn't exactly the top on my list, I can save alot of money eating at his place leh :p plus, he can drive me home after that.. hehe, more time together :p

I want to be a xin fu xiao nu er... but can I choose not to cook? Haha.